It is possible that I can be accused of being a little heavy handed lately with negative descriptions of my host country and the goings on in my daily life. Apparently it is a normal stage in the adjustment process to hate anything and everything around about the fourth month mark. And here I am at four months, frothing with contempt, eager to share all of the discomfort.A couple of months ago, when I didn't like Egypt the first time, I remember my older sister saying something to the affect of, "I hope you get happy, because when Paul's not happy... nobody is happy in the house." I hope that is not exactly true, but it probably is, at least a little.
A funny thing I've noticed in my travels, and this might come as a surprise to some of you Texans out there - everybody doesn't love Texas as much as you do. Most folks just don't get it. In fact, many become annoyed when Texans speak in loving terms about their home state.
And so, in the interest of levity and education, it is time to elucidate the foreigners and skeptics by describing some little known facts about Texas......
In Texas there is a mobile taco stand about every quarter of a mile. All of the tortillas are homemade and the the tacos, beyond being delicious, are actually rather slimming.
In Texas all people are always friendly. There are never fights, conflict, or even harsh words exchanged. All interactions start with a nod and a smile, and end with a firm handshake.
In Texas gas is dirt cheap and there is no traffic. You can drive for hours through rolling green pastures, past pecan groves and over clear, cool rivers. When you happen upon other drivers, they are courteous and safe.
If you have the good fortune of swimming in a Texas spring fed river, you will instantly add several healthy years to your life. Worries abate and most common communicable diseases are instantly cured.
While it is often hot in Texas, sweat is oddly clean and free from off putting odors. Plus it dries instantly, never leaving you feeling uncomfortable or damp.
Dogs are happy in Texas. Their tails barely stop wagging. Those prone to grinning, do so with aplomb.
People with tails also wag them more often in Texas.
Though there are four types of venomous snakes and at least two potentially deadly species of spiders in Texas, they are all quite sweet and can be tamed quickly with harmonica music or barbeque sauce.
Tex Mex food is from Texas.
It is said that if you fall into the San Antonio River you will live forever.
In Austin, everybody with a guitar instantly becomes a rock star.
Though it is not actually true that everything is bigger in Texas, everything is in fact grander.
Despite attempts to approximate Texas accents in movies, people in Texas do not speak with a discernible accent. They speak English perfectly with the correct intonations and pace that it should have.
Many people come to Texas. Few leave. Those who do mostly cry themselves to sleep at night until their return.
Most people do not ride horses in Texas or wear cowboy hats.
Steaks cook themselves in Texas, perfectly.
Mexican and southwestern cultures blend smoothly in Texas with two languages melding together into beautiful music.
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| Not in Cairo |
Everything makes sense in Texas. Confusion is virtually nonexistent and common sense prevails.
Perhaps I have been away too long. The constant noise and hazy air can be befuddling here. It is conceivable that my memories have been altered through time. But these above stated facts do keep me grounded and remind me that in this crazy world there are places where it is possible to understand what on Earth is going on around me.
So true. Every bit of it. And you've forgotten that the dust here is cleaner than other dusts, neighbors are friendly and never let their car alarms beep more than once a night or go tearing up and down the street on 4-wheelers, and everyone cooks in cast iron dutch ovens.
ReplyDeleteI remember throwing watermelon rinds on your roof way back when. Wonder if that's also strengthening...
Paul! This blog makes me miss you, and Jenn, and San Marcos. I miss Texas pretty much every day that I am not there, but your writing reminds me of how good it is to have a place and a people to miss. Here's to swimming in those rivers!
ReplyDeleteProud to be a Texan and privileged to live in San Marcos! The river is waiting for you guys!
ReplyDeleteYou forgot to mention that upon entering Texas, mental illness becomes more tolerable, bad breath ceases to stink, and hemorrhoids often shrink.
ReplyDeleteOh, and we have great sunsets.
You are all clearly delusional. But if this helps you cope with living here....
ReplyDeleteMy sweat stinks, so does my breath, I won't mention hemorhoids. I strive daily to avoid adopting the "no final g" and double negetive sentence especially the phrase "aint no".
Texans are loud and often obnoxious. I think San Marcos might be the only tolerable place to live, but those of us in towns with no spring fed rivers and a bunch of cowboy hat and boot wearing hicks we, we know the true Texas.